Don’t feel sorry for them.
I grew up in a house of music. My mother was a fan of Judy Garland, and when Garland died, there were articles galore bemoaning her many misfortunes. Full of compassion, I shared with Mom how sad her life was. Calmly but with understanding, she said, “It’s not what happens to you that counts—it’s how you respond to it.” I remember even now how taken aback I was. Where was the sympathy and hand wringing I was seeing all around me? Mom had had a tough life–how could she not understand?
Of course, she did—all too well. She knew because she had many of the same challenges herself, and in some ways, had chosen more wisely. There was one area, however, where Mom’s big heart got the best of her. She felt bad for us because we were from a broken home, and since she worked so hard to fill in every gap, she was acutely aware of the gaps that were there. The problem was that this kind of pity can easily be received as self-pity, and that is nothing but an unkindness to impart to a child.
Don’t get me wrong. Understanding is commendable. Showing compassion on folks—bravo. Having genuine empathy—a true and rare virtue. But “feeling sorry for” someone can encourage an attitude of entitlement in the pitied one, a feeling that someone, somehow, owes me something. It suggests that people and systems are going to make room for our deficiencies, which should in truth be a kindness granted by us to others at the same time that we resist presuming it for ourselves. We know we’ve fallen into this trap with our kids when we find ourselves consistently giving excuses to ourselves or others as to why they cannot do something we would expect most children to do. Our responsibility as parents is to come alongside our children and help them discover the way out of their areas of insecurity. We need to be sensitive to their hurt, of course. But when the right thing to do clashes with their resistance or fear, we need to equip our children with the perspectives and strategies they need to work from weakness to strength.
Part Three coming Monday, 9/14
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